John Melendez use to be a fat blob but now he runs 5 1/2 miles five days a week to keep his new hot bod in shape. I should take my big black behind with him. I will, right after I finish all of my Girl Scout cookies. (Darn those brats) Today John went running, and was caught in a huge brush fire. (Oh, no, who’s qualified to lift a cup at Jay) He had to run to get away from the smoke. John was stuttering "H… H… Help I’m a celebrity get me out of h… h… here!" John is always very nice to me.
John Melendez’s wife is Jewish. I was Jewish once. I know a lot of Jewish people. I was invited to a Passover meal. All Jewish people should be skinny. It was three hours before we could eat! And when we did, it was to dip a piece of parsley into some salt water. All I could think of was taking the hot sauce out of my purse, grabbing the hard-boiled egg off the table ,and making a run for it. When we did eat the food was great. Being a Christian, I value the traditions of the chosen people of which my faith sprung out of. I guess, I’m too greedy to be a Jew.
In line, we almost died of all the smoke. Ashes were blowing on us. It really got bad. Some of the pages and security guards had on masks. Hello, we didn’t get one.
I met Diane and Joel and their son Jason. In 2004, Jason was picked out of the line to tell his most embarrassing moment on the show. It wasn’t until he walked into the studio before someone realized that he was 14. Jason goes to North Central Indianapolis High School, the same one Smitty attended. How lucky is he!
I also met Andy, from Indianapolis, who tried to teach me the card game, Euchre. It’s popular in the mid-west and that’s where it should stay. Yee-haw
The Pages did the best job I have ever witnessed. They all had smiles, and it seemed like they liked being there. I know that they have to answer stupid questions every day, but you are the only ones the guests get to talk to. People take pictures with me. They should feel the same about you! Jason K. I felt like you put a great effort into turning things around. Great job Jason K. I enjoyed your witty banter with the guests, you even made me laugh.
Friendliest new page award goes to Scott and Deshuan. (Sorry if I spelled the black male page name wrong)
All hail Jeff the King of Wardrobe. The cameraman who always wears sport socks with loafers has been made anew. He was wearing beautiful sneakers! Jeff, I think it would be great if you had your own segment, making over a guest on the show. Move over, Queer Eye. I hope you producers are reading this, like Debbie, Bob, and the one who is pregnant Tracy. (I don’t know the rest) It will work. After Jay is dressed, Jeff can grab a guest. There is only so many times a lint brush needs to be run over Jay’s suit. Jeff is talented. Use him!
I caught a Tonight Show with Jay Leno travel mug! I will travel just to use it. Thanks, Bobby!
I’m losing it. I think Smittys drum, which now has his face on it, was smirking at me during the whole show. I’m afraid to look at it because if it winks at me, I will freak.
Amy Poehler from the movie "Blades of Glory". I know, Amy, that your bra has Strawberry Shortcake on it, but you still need to wear it. It looked like your nipples were trying to free themselves. I’m going to need you to cross your heart.
Rick(y) Schroder looks the same as he did 20 years ago. (Next)
Ozomatli, was the musical group. They look like Angelina Jolie’s children all grown up. It was very multicultural. I liked them, they were different and the music was fun.
Remember, If you’re going to consume happiness, produce happiness…