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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Glo's De-Termination

This is a continuation of Glo's Rainbow....


I ( a teenager) looked in the telephone book and found... Abortions...

The cost about 300 dollars (and your soul)... I figured out a plan to be dropped of close to the Clinic...walk over...then get picked up ( I will not name my accomplice... because they didn't know that's what they were doing)

As I was walking up to the clinic... I saw all these people with picket signs... yelling GOD DOSN'T LIKE MURDERERS! THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH...REPENT!

(Yeah I know... that's from the Bible right? )

I had to make my way through the signs with fetuses and mutilated babies on it ... People trying to hand me papers... People just yelling I don't even know them... I just kept going...

( I don't ever want to picket... THEY DON"T KNOW ME! ... and if I ever do picket... I will be with a group of people .. on the same side ... Won't get... yelled at) HA! That is a lie!

I have a CHOICE!...

I could see myself trying to explaining to a my child.....

Yes my child you are a Bastard but... not as bad as the other kind of Bastards...Their mothers were sluts and poor little me went to one two many choir functions ... but your father... knows the Lord.... so you are fine. (yep that would have worked)

You are what you have to defend...


IN THE CLINIC

I sat, for what seem like forever... these girls... some are younger than I am...

The same kind of girls I wasn't allowed to associate myself with... The ones who had no father themselves...(generational curses)

I wanted to tell them " I am better than you"... but...

we are all in the same place...

Finally my name was called ... all loud...(Shut up... I'm Christan played by all the rules... I'm not suppose to be in a place like this... Some discretion please)

In the room... I remember ... some cold gel on my stomach and this screen...

Why did I have to have to get the happiest nurse in the world... Why?

Nurse...(looking at the screen) It's a boy... you would have had a son... oh my... look see... it's a boy.

(Am I on Candid Camera? Does she know where she works?...I need her to be neutral... sad.. not celebratory...)

It's not a child if it's not born... it's not a child if it's not born...it's not a child if it's not born...

Right?

If you have ever really seen me... I have large hips...(no breast at that time) and I always wore sweat suites... baggy clothes... so.. no one knew...(That I know of)... and I was FIVE MONTHS ALONG...

It's not a child if it's not born... it's not a child if it's not born..it's not a child if it's not born...

NURCE --- We will give you your Termination time...(still cheery like some sick cheerleader)

GloZell--- Termination?

NURCE --- We like to say Termination... abortion (she whispered) is not a nice word... She handed me this black and white picture... sort of... it is called a ultra sound picture I think... (what is wrong with this lady... Why would I want... this... picture?)

GloZell-- ( Call it whatever... I hope you get depressed so you can do your job better.. dumb happy Nurse)

TERMINATION DAY...

I think I was told not to eat... I signed all kinds of papers... basically if you die no one can sue...

(I hope the tabloids don't get these papers one day when I'm big and famous in California and ruin my career.) Ha!

I had on a hospital gown.... this mask thing was placed on my head and I started to count down from 10 9 8 7 6 5...

I heard this motor...3 2 1 running... like a vacuum... and it had like this suction sound... the same some you hear when you are at the dentist and that thing is in your mouth...

Then it gets caught on your cheek and the sound changes... it was just like that...

I felt tugging... back and forth... tugging....

Doc-- It's going to be one of those...

GloZell-- One of what's?... it's going to be one of what's?

GloZell-- He's fighting.?.. Oh God!.. He is fighting... He's alive.!.. He's real... I want my kid...

He's fighting... My son is... fighting... to live...

Doc--- Turn it up a little..

The Smell of hot blood and metal..

GloZell --- Hey... I change my mind...(still heard the motor and that stuck sucking sound)

excuse me--- I change my mind... you can keep the money... I'm sorry for taking up your time..

HEY STOP!....STOP!.... I CHANGED MY MIND.!.. HE FIGHTING.. I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD ... FEEL THAT!

HE WASN'T A HUMAN... HE WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE A HUMAN... (motor stopped)

Thanks ... Thank you... whoo.. You shouldn't allow girls to go as far as 5 months... they ARE humans. at five months... oh well.. glad I came to my senses... to bad for the other girls...

Nurse--- GloZell.... GloZell...( she was shaking me)

GloZell--- (Yes.. it's Nurse Happy.. )

Nurce---- Your termination is done... make sure you don't pick up anything five pounds or more and get plenty of rest...(She handed me a paper with instructions)

GloZell--- Wait...What? What time is it? Termin..What?... it's done... I... I...(I said I changed my mind)

( I got dressed)

I had a son...

and I ...

payed to have him...

KILLED...

and he was fighting... he was fighting...

I felt him fighting... I couldn't do anything

I didn't see him... or name him...

he was just dumped in the trash behind the clinic...

just like the other babies... they are humans you know ?...

MY SON IN A DUMPSTER ...

No proper burial... no burial at all...

( don't you dare cry GloZell... you don't get to..YOU DON"T GET TO)


That's my cross to bear...

Every once in a while I... think how old he would be... It was a he...

Somewhere between being up in the mountains two weeks ago and ... now...

I realize .... If I am forgiven...


Then I will meet My son in Heaven some day...

Maybe my father is.. looking out after him..

I have a son...


and for 300 dollars...

I killed my son ... and that was...

the wrong CHOICE...

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

this is beautiful. every woman needs to read this.

Melinda said...

wow. that was powerful. I wasn't ready for that. wow. Very poignant and thought provoking. I am sorry for your experience, it sound absolutely horrid and heartbreaking!

You should definitely write a book! How many times do I have to write that? You already have a good start with your blogs. Print them out, add to them and get your stories out! You have a powerful story and unique look on life-- you need to share it with the world!

God Bless!

Observer said...

I read you through my tears.....I wish I could hug you now.

We are all sinners....we will all be forgiven....

I think you are a very smart and strong woman.

You will be reunited with your child again.

I lost one at two months - people told me it was just a piece of tissue at that point in time. To me it was my child. I will see him or her in time.

Love be with you.

GloZell said...

Anonymouse...
I thought this was the story I would take to my grave...

As I look at the tonight show guest and I'm yelling in my head... let people know you are gay... so that you can help others...

One day no one will care... just be!

Don't hide... you can help a young person who looks up to you...

then... it hit me... that I have me own... closet to come out of...

I... want others to do what I havent done... but they are... on TV and can reach so many...

They wouldn't have to worry about looseing friends money of family...

They can support themselves now so, they might loose some people but they will gain so many more...

And others would follow...
But who can I reach?... I have avoided my phone... Don't know what my mother is thinking...

I have done everything for everyone else my whole life... and.. it dosn't work...

You have to do what you have to do for yourself...

I had to tell my story...
If not... I help put another girl in the same place...

Thinking... it doesn't matter...

Thanks anonymous...
GloZell

GloZell said...

Melinda,

You and this book... I can't even get this computer to work right...

Okay... I have to do something when Jay leaves...

I thought I was... at The Tonight Show for Jay...

Couldn't figure out why... The Tonight Show?...

I even thought the ghost of Jay's folks or the lady who use to come to the show almost everyday before me needed to tell Jay something...

It was my own ghost... I wouldn't ever stated talking about myself if it wasn't for this blog...

God meets you where you are... well... I was at the Tonight Show with Jay Leno...

Book?... Having to answer questions... embarrassing my mom over and over...

What kind of money makes up for that?...

I was asked Sunday to be a mentor at my church... I did it last year...

The only person left is a teenage girl...

I said " there were only little kids last time... no one pass the fourth grade"...

Pastors wife... "we had some who never was in the Pastor class and wanted to do it"...

This girl was adopted lived most of her life in foster care...

no one else wanted the teenager girl...

I know that I had to say yes...


Lord give me just a little strength...

A book?...I would need a lot of help... maybe... I don't know... never looked into it..

Okay... Jay is leaving so... got to do somethng...

Who want's to read about me?...
GloZell

GloZell said...

Observer..
Two months... don't know what to say...

I never think I'm strong or smart in the moment...

But when I look back over my life... I wonder... How did I do that?

I am scared of everything... but willing to try almost anything...

At the Tonight Show... The world comes to me... The whole world...
we have laughed, cried, shared food, froze, and burned up in that line.

I have met Nuns, Ministers, positutes, migets, homless, crazy, county, young, old...

People have hooked up in that line, got drunk in that line... smoked pot in that line...

One guy got a divorce in that line...

I have met holocaust survivors, Generals, soldiers...

Everyone can talk about their believes and.... most of the time... we all get along...

I'm not strong.. just found a place... for a few years... I belonged...

now it's going...
I'll be fine...
I hope you have your...Church place... where you are more than you thought you could be...

I was running and never winning the race... then...I stopped at the show...

I know I make it more than I should...

It's not a job for me...
I guess I have to leave my burdens at the alter...(3000 w. Alameda)

It's time to let go and let God..

Thanks observer... I always say way more than I should... so I will wrap it up

Two months... just tissue..

You will meet your child one day also...

Take Care,
GloZell