Glo's Rainbow

Growing up, only place I could go was church... so I was there all time... even at other people's churches...
I wasn't allowed to be home by myself.... Dad--" My children will not be latch key kids".

We lived on a dirt rode so...I didn't ride a bike...sometimes I would look out the window...and see poor kids play in the street in the dirt...... jump our fence and take our oranges...(lucky...they could play outside... they had someone to play with but I had ever toy in the world...) I would just wait for the church van to come and pick me up...( everyone thought I was so Holy... ha ha ...I just wanted to get out of the house).. I wasn't allowed to be outside... I didn't drive until after college... ( My Dad drove me everywhere I needed to go... I went to University of Florida... my dad would pick me up on Friday...and bring me back... Monday... for 4 YEARS!..)(Go Gators)

(back to high school days...)

I was singing in this choir and the Minister said I was cute...(Me?)... he would look at me from time to time... ( I couldn't date either... I went to first prom/school with my cousin... dad drove) After this church function...( I would love those)
The Minister...dropped everyone off...but me...( I guess I'm going to be last?...even tho we passed by my house)

We changed out of the church van and into his car...(That's odd?)

His had was on my knee... I.. pressed against the car door as much as I could...(Always be polite)

The car stopped... in what looked like woods... (Hmmm there is nothing around)....

He turned off the car and... dropped my seat... (I don't know why he picked me... I dressed like I was supposed to... long clothes ... aways covered up... My Parents wouldn't let me drees any other way...(Except my cheerleader uniform))

I didn't know how to kiss... he was about 20 years older than I... it's weird my mother use to teach his girlfriend and daughter piano...(Bastard..sorry)

It took me years to realized it was rape because... What little I did know... I always thought rape was this violent gun to the head SHUT UP AND TAKE IT kind of thing...(BASTERD! sorry) But... this was "It's okay... don't worry... kind of thing..."

I hated every moment( Seemed like hours I don't know could have been minutes... I don't Know)

I hated God...church...choir..It's all fake... smoke and mirrors...
The same guy years latter...married a girl in high school because he had gotten pregnant.. just like me a few years earlier...( I could have saved her...maybe)

I felt a little what 's wrong with me sort of thing.. he didn't offer to marry me? Why would I want him anyways...but I wasn't offered...(sick huh?)

I... have a son.. he is about 21 years old(I am 36)... never seen him... and never will ( He would be College age now) ( I will continue this subject... next weekend... maybe)

I feel like I'm an alcoholic, drug addict who has never had a drink or tried drugs... because...
there is no way that if a drink can make you forget... no way... I would stop...

I can't mess up my mind... a moron mind.... I need what little I got.... plus I don't trust ANYONE enough for me to possible be out of control... No one is going to help me.. I haven't spoken to my 1st grade teacher in 20 years..(She passed away two years ago)
She told me... in the first grade...at a Private Trinity Lutheran School... I was 6 years old... the only black student in the whole school (pre-k to 8th grade)

Mrs. Bean 1st grade teacher..... "GloZell if you try your best... you will always...always be average" 3rd Grade.... Mrs. Stroll... gave me a sticker on my spelling paper (Finally I got a sicker!)... it said...."Almost an" F" good job...

High School ( Luther High) My Algebra teacher Ms. Gallop..." GloZell if you get tutoring.. before school and after and try your best... you might be a C student...

I went on to be the Walt Disney world Dreamer and Doer for the School... Graduated College... HA HA HA but...
I still hear Little Moron...(Dad)
I still hear... It's okay... Don't worry...(Bastard...sorry)
I still hear... You will always! be Average( Mrs. Bean)

I still hear..." C" student( Ms. Gallop)
I still hear.. no one is going to love you... you will never make it in California all by yourself (Ex)
I still hear nothing...( son) I'm still standing!... I'm still here!... If I was so bad... God wouldn't allow me to be anywhere... Right? How far do I have to move? What amount of alcohol? How many pills?... How many church services.? How much communion? How many Dr. Phil, Oprah and Tonight Shows, diets, clothes, hair, How high up the mountain...etc...

No one knows Heath Ledger.... no one knows what he was going though... what he was trying to escape... in his mind... Ana Nicole, Britney Spears or any one else... money and success doesn't change you mind... your secret that's killing you from the mind... and you try anything... to get free! Jay Leno is frugal... because he parents must have talked about lack of money all the time... No matter how many millions Jay has... he is still that kid that hears his dad talking about money... I 'm sure people think Jay is cheap... Jay work's hard to make money... then works hard not to spend it....(Jay is his father's son) He can do what ever he wants or not with HIS money!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Everyone at the retreat last weekend was trying to get me to love being outdoors in the woods!... I thought I was going to a hotel... I hated every second... You don't know why people do the things they do...and people shouldn't have to explain their life story because they don't like what you like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I want is a few hours of TV at the end of my day... What is so wrong with that?...

I'm sick of hearing FROM "CHRISTIANS"!... there are better things to do than watch TV, Why do you watch such stupid shows?... read more books...( I want to forget.. laugh ...get caught up in other people issues... and watch issues get solved in 30min. to 1hr... SO WHAT!)
I don't know what really brings The Tonight Show audience to the show... So they HAVE to have the best experience because... they only get one chance...

I don't like movies... people think I'm so dumb because I love TV more than movies...

I don't like sitting in the dark... in seats where hundreds of behinds have sat... food on the sticky floor... eating in the dark...

(Do you know how many spiders, bugs, flies, worms... I have eaten and almost eaten in the dark in FLORIDA?)

If you don't like a movie... you are stuck for two hours!... If you don't like a TV show... 1.If you can't leave... it's not going to last that long... plus commercials will break up the show...2. You can change the station...(Options!) I like commercials... I like the light subject ( most of them) I like the look of Sitcoms... bright... I like hearing the laughing...

People understand crying, lighting candles, drinking, smoking...calm down at the end of a day... but if you like TV... be prepared to defend yourself... all the time! For the rest of your life!

Growing up mother...up and left for two weeks... my sister and I didn't know why or how long... Dad didn't know...we stayed at relatives....

Didn't know if Mom was coming back... I was...8...sister was 6...two week later... mom walk through the door while we were watching...The Wizard of Oz... at my Ma Dear house...( you get spanked if you call her Grandma ) to this day I have never seen the whole movie...

(But I met some of the original Munchkins!.. Amazing...)
My sister, mom and myself... have never been close since... (two weeks changed everything)
My sister just stayed angry...
I'm rattling on now...so... I will rap this up...

I'm trying to get to the happy people on the other side of a TV screen...
Knowing that they' don't exist... (What no Wizard?... How am I going to get home? I don't have Ruby Slippers)

I can pretend that Happy TV Land ...

Is somewhere Over the Rainbow... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I can't promise I will look or even answer comments from this blog... I will tell you what I know about my son... next week... I have nothing to loose... respect... nah... fame...nope, money... Ha!

I didn't save that girl or the hundreds of others (he is still in the church in Florida).. but maybe I can... save someones child now... can't wait for fame... lots of money...then you hope no one finds out your secrets.... and you have to protect you "Image"...

I pray for any one I help and all the ones I didn't... Sorry...